I can’t sleep with all this silence! Would someone please turn it down a notch?
03:30 — I am up. I am in bed trying to think of anything other than combat and suits. I am trying to not picture him in his battle rattle. I am trying to picture him in the new suit. I can’t.
03:45 — Alright, already! I’m up! I had better get the coffee started. It will be a long day for sure. I wonder if I will hear anything today? I had better make it a very busy day because I pretty much know the answer.
04:00 — No, I really should not be reading these things. It won’t help me sleep tonight. I have to hear something though. My imagination is sometimes worse than the news. That damned media. Thanks for the images and the information. I wish I had never looked.
04:15 — The coffee is strong. I need it that way today. Now, where was I? Oh, I was browsing the web and reading stories. I can’t quite figure it all out right now. This wave of angst. It’s not like we have never gone without contact before for a period of time. Why is it so bothersome now?
04:30 — I might as well pay some bills and do some filing while I am awake. Maybe I can even squeeze in a load of laundry without waking the Pirate from her slumber. I might as well. I may crash later today, and not have the energy to do it.
05:00 — I hate the changes. That is the crux of the problem for me at this moment. It’s not so much a worry that I have now, but rather I am unsettled. I had a routine in my head. I had an understanding of where he was, and what he was doing. Today? I have no clue. My head keeps searching for that file and the answer that keeps coming back is “That file could not be located.” It’s just helpful to have a road map to guide your thoughts. When your reality shifts to an unknown you feel unanchored.
05:15 — It is 1315 there now. The day is well on its way. I wonder if they have time for chow or if it is “eat what you can fit in your ACU pockets” for lunch, day. I need to get that box in the mail today.
05:30 — I wish that I could call Bryan and chat about this. I wonder how his adventure is going in the field. I hope they haven’t had too much rain. He sounded like he was on the edge of a cold last time we talked. When was that? Sunday. That’s right. Sunday. It’s only been four days. I can go a few more.
05:45 — What am I going to blog about today? I could just open up my mind and spill it all out onto this digital canvas. I could try and write something that sounds perky and chipper. Of course I could just not blog at all. What good would that do though? Maybe I will blog about the thoughts that haunted my sleep this morning. The very vivid picture I had in my head of my son in his battle rattle. The very vivid picture in my head with the very vivid sounds. Maybe it doesn’t sound like that at all where he is. I don’t know because here all I have is silence. That damned silence.
06:00 — I heard the Pirate stir in her sleep. I hope she is dreaming of gymnastics, papa, and dancing. Her dreams need to stay sweet as long as possible.
06:15 — It’s time to wash my face, turn toward the wind and stand today. It’s time to stop this torment and put my hand to the tasks before me. No more indulgent tears, and no more thinking those thoughts. Time to get the kids up and get ready for school, gym, and life. Thank God that the sun is finally starting to show.
Argh! I hit the reject button on accident for 2 comments. I will just cut and paste the content from my email notification. Sorry Stacy and Cathy. See what sleep deprivation does to you?!
Stacy — “Sounds like you are going to have a very long day. Sure hope the strong coffee will work for you4.
Will be thinking of you today. I know is is tough, but hang in there. We are all here for you.”
Cathy — “Aren’t sleepless nights a pain!
Hang tough, you are a trooper! It can’t be easy having someone in harms way and your significant support temporarily unavailable.
Hope the sunshine brings some relief from the dark night.
Could you send some our way please??
Cathy B “
Stacy, Thanks. I am very tired this morning, but I am going to head out to the gym and keep my day as regular as possible. I know this is just temporary. I will be back to sleeping very soon, I am sure.
Cathy, I am sending some sunshine your way. You stay safe. It wounds like you all are getting ready to float away! Is there any relief in your forecast?
Oh the days and nights like that. Now that Hubby is home I am not worried about him but now about a dear friend who is heading that way soon. And when I am not thinking about JB I am wondering when the next deployment is coming and where it will be. Hubby is home but I still have the same thoughts and sleeplessness as before. Just a deifferent set of worries.
I am thinking of you and hoping you day goes better!!
NGW: I go through periods where I am doing so well, and then boom — it hits me out of nowhere. I had a bad dream this morning, and that is what sent me spiraling. I would have done anything to just talk to my husband for a few minutes. I got through it though, and I even made it to the gym. 5 miles later I am feeling better. Tired, but better!
Heather, thanks. You ladies are such a huge support to me and I always appreciate you all!!