Knee Deep in the Hooah!

I think I am going to officially call this phase the “post-leave-funk” or PLF or for the quick weekend visits it will be the “post-pass-funk” or PPF for short. Maybe some of the more experienced military wives have a better term for it. I want to clarify right away though that this is in no way, shape or form a complaint. I am very, very grateful to have seen my husband and to have him for nearly 3 weeks. I know that is an oasis that some wives would love to have, but are not given right now. Truly, I know it is a blessing. I am really just trying to figure out my own phases of emotional upheaval and turmoil that I go through when we have these times of separation and reunification. They are so sparse and so short that it really does leave me discombobulated (man I love that word!).

I have noticed that I always go through it for a day or two after I see Bryan for a period of time — whether that time is a quick weekend or a longer time. This last time we had 20 days together and we were at our home versus being in a hotel or rental near or on Ft. Benning. So, the last two days I have been trying to handle the re-entry burnout and it has been hard.

I am understanding that part of the stress for me this time is the simple fact that when you have a short leave time like 3 weeks then you simply can not live in the “real world” during that time. Who has time to get caught up in the menial tasks and focus on concerns that take your attention away from your soldier? My gosh! You have your husband back home, in your bed, at your breakfast table, in your car, and things are just too wonderful to focus too much on the mundane, everyday tasks that normally keep you so busy. It would be different if he were staying, but you find yourself drinking in every moment, savoring every second and trying to hold onto things like the sound of his laughter in person and not over the phone.

Then the day comes. The day you both knew would come faster than it should have come. His bags are packed and he is dressed in uniform. He has to go back. When we met and stayed in hotels in GA it was different. It felt like a mini-vacation. It was hard saying good-bye, but I had an 8 hour drive ahead of me and kids (sometimes puking kids) to help keep my mind off of what I was missing already. This time he left home. I am so glad he got to come here because he had never seen this house, and this gives him a frame of reference when he thinks about us or when I am talking to him and I say that I am in the den or the laundry room. It is bittersweet too. It actually feels more like home to me now because I finally have some memories of him here. His pillow finally smells like him again, and his night stand table has a few things he left on it… with things stacked neatly — the way he always does. The traces of him give me both hope and sadness.

Those traces of him are nice to have again though. They are warm and inviting, and they are quite a contrast to the reality that awaited when he left. Suddenly, once again, the kids need me 150% of the time, decisions need to be made and I have to decide without having him to talk with, and the worst part of all… the evenings are quite and my room is silent at night again. No noise here tonight except the sound of my fan and the clicking of these keystrokes as I type out what I would have normally spoken to him while we chat with our heads rested on pillows. It’s the best time of the day when he is home, and the worst time of the day when he is gone.

So, I am finding that I go through a few days where I really struggle to get back into my groove. It takes a few days to feel like I want to do the things that I normally do. The world looks a little less colorful and food tastes a little less spicy. It doesn’t last long, but I try and deal with it head on. Essentially it is just a quick interlude of grief.

The symptoms of this PLF/PPF for me are usually:

* sleeplessness
* bluesy
* feeling disorganized
* feeling lonely
* low energy
* feeling overly sensitive
* feeling weepy

I am not depressed, but I am definitely “blue.” I have also worked hard on coming up with some strategies to try and deal with this as it starts. First, I should clarify that some of the “dealing” with this aftermath was done while he was still home and in anticipation of this period of grief. Things like guarding our time together as a family, and our time alone as a couple, really helps the time we had together feel less hectic and less like we were being pulled in too many directions, and ultimately that does help this phase of separation because I don’t feel like I missed out on my time with him.

I also kept my exercise schedule and had him join me (in his limited ability even). This was very key for me because exercise really is my main stress buster. If yours is different then you need to keep that stress buster going even when he is home… keep up the good habits because you will need them later when he leaves again. Another strategy that is very helpful is to keep your routines and force yourself to do your daily routine after he leaves. Even if you are just going through the motions, it is important that you get up, wash your face, and greet the world. I know that there are days where I would just as soon throw my clock through the window because I am tired and sad, but forcing myself to get up and deal with life always helps to some degree.

I also avoid all alcohol when I am feeling sad and blue, and I watch the company I keep to make sure I am around supportive people. I do not have a problem with alcohol and never have, but why start now? The fact of the matter is a lot of problem drinking can and does start when alcohol is used to soothe an emotional stressor. So, while I normally would love to have a glass of wine or a good Stout from time to time, I simply do not drink any alcohol while my guys are deployed. It feels too risky for me personally. I also keep foods that I will regret eating, out of my home. No wine and no cheesecake. Gee. What keeps me going? Coffee helps! Coffee, supportive friends, family that helps, phone calls from my soldiers, and knowing that I am doing a very important job here in my home.

I always take pride in my work, and being a stay at home wife, mother, blogger, daughter, etc. is no exception. My job here at home is too important to be jeopardized by emotional paralysis. If I ever felt that I couldn’t use these strategies I would not be too proud to call for help. After all, Army wives are often stereotyped as strong willed and tough, but we are also smart and savvy.

Tags: Posts by Claire //