Dissonance at its finest
There has been a quirk that I developed since my son joined the Army during this time of war and deployment. It’s not a “tic” where I yell out random cuss words at unknown passersby, but I must admit that I am more prone to doing that these days than I was 7 months ago — pardon my digression. This interesting little quirk of mine that has developed is something that I am learning is common with a lot of parents of deployed or deploying soldiers. I am not sure if wives feel this way or not, but it is definitely a hot topic for discussion among the soldiers’ parents I am blessed to chat with — both online and in person.
When Mike first decided that he would join I was (and continue to be) very proud of him and supportive. I have absolutely, positively no qualms whatsoever about military service. Actually I hope I raised all of my kids to understand that Duty is a good thing, and that serving others is a way of life. My favorite Winston Churchill quote sums it up for me best “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” I do not want any of my children to have a mere existence for a life, but rather a life full of meaning and giving — a life of service. I am wanting to stress this point to clarify that military service is not the source of dissonance for me. There is another root to my problem.
Skip ahead a year. We have been through BCT. We have been through AIT. I say “we” like I did anything other than write letters, pray and worry. Well, Mike went through those things directly and I did so on the periphery — the periphery is an appropriate place for a mom when her son is no longer a boy and has become a man. So, it was there where I began to develop this worrisome quirk. Out there on the periphery watching it all happen. Feeling so much pride that I could barely contain myself at times, and feeling so much fear and dread that I could barely contain myself at times. The two feelings became intertwined for me, and sometimes I honestly could not identify exactly what it was I was feeling. Here I am a Master’s level social worker with a background in mental health and I could not even identify my own emotions! That’s like a physician not being able to diagnose his own tummy ache!
This leads me right into this quirk I am talking about though. There were times in the beginning of Mike’s military career that I took things very personally. Now, I talked about taking some comments personally earlier this week, and there is a time and place for that, but at this time it became very troublesome for me. See, sometimes I was angry even when people were not talking about the war directly. Actually I would get angry because they were not talking about the war, but then sometimes I felt angry when they did want to talk about the war. I was a walking bundle of emotional mess all wrapped up in a huge blanket of emotional dissonance.
I remember walking through the mall and feeling angry that people were going about their daily lives — laughing, spending money, talking together, whole families together. How dare they? How dare they flaunt their family in my face that way? Here I am in this mall with out my husband, without my son, and my son is at war!! Some days I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “My son could be seriously injured, or worse, he could die today damn it, does anyone here care?!” I knew then, as I know and acknowledge now, that my feelings were very irrational and unfair. This is why I kept my mouth shut. I knew it would be wrong to accuse those around me of not carrying my grief, when it was indeed mine to carry. I also realize now that I was in the phase of grief and mourning that caused me to develop this sense of universal rage. I was living with this jumbled mess of deployment anxiety and fear and there was no one around me who could truly, personally relate to what I was going through. That is actually one of the reasons I started this blog.
So, now I am just learning to recognize when I am going through those quirky times. I still have them from time to time. I have to admit that when the news is positive it is easier. Lately with all of the buzz about the drop in violence in Iraq I am feeling pretty spry and chipper — however, there is a deeper part of me that is not taking it all for granted. I know that there is still danger and they are all still in a combat zone. I can’t help but feel excited and proud when I see things like the parade that the citizens held in the Anbar Province against al qaeda. I feel so much pride and so much fear. I am still on the roller coaster ride, but I am a tad more adapted to take the “loopy-loops.” They still turn my stomach and take me by surprise, but I manage them with out getting too sick or too green.
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