October 3, 2007
Posted by Claire
Just for the record…
I was hit with an interesting comment the other day by a woman who was introduced to me by an acquaintance we have in common. None of us would be considered “friends,” but I guess “friendly” and “acquaintance” would be the right terms to use when thinking of the relationship we hold. It is one of those relationships that are formed through the bonds of having one particular place and event in common, but really not much else.
Anyway, the woman who did the introductions mentioned to this new woman that my son was currently deployed to Iraq. The woman gasped as if she had just witnessed a brutal crime, she put her hand over her mouth like she was yawning really huge (only she was still gasping) and then she said “You must be so strong! I could just never, ever send my son off to war like that! That is just amazing that you aren’t just crying all the time! God bless ya!”
Now remember in the South when someone says “Bless your heart” or any variation of that it is not a compliment or a blessing. It was her subtle way of saying “You must be dumber than a bag of hammers or you would be as mortified as I am at this moment!”
So, I just wanted to say a few words about this encounter. This was by far the most dramatic person that I have encountered during this journey. That is saying a lot considering some of the questions and comments I have either heard directly or have heard about through other parents and their experiences. Here are the things I really take issue with regarding her demeanor and her response:
1. Please do not gasp like that! Get a grip. Your gasp is not a show of support and it is not a very kind thing to do to another person in a public setting. Unless you see a black widow crawling on my head, please do NOT gasp that way again about me, my situation or my family. Ms. Manners would take you task on this, trust me.
2. I did not “send my son off to war.” We have something called a “volunteer” Army. That means that every single soldier (my dear son included) signs up on his/her own free will and of his/her own accord. They are not coerced, they are not drugged, they are not hypnotized and their parents are not allowed to drag them kicking and screaming to the Recruiter’s station and sign them up and ship them out (although I know a few parents who are very disappointed about that!). The military only takes adults. No, we do not have any control about what our children, who are legal and responsible adults, do with their lives. Fortunately my son has chosen a career path in which I happen to take a lot of pride.
3. Yes, I am a very strong person. Very strong indeed. I am not so strong, however, that I can bypass all of my human emotions. When someone reacts this way in public do not kid yourself that it does not impact me in a very personal and painful way. Sometimes even strong women need to excuse themselves, have a good cry in the ladies room and then come out with a smile and eyes that are bright. Most strong women know to carry Visine with them. Strength is a characteristic that is often wrought by dealing with conflict in such a way that a lingering trace of Grace and kindness is left behind. Strength is not something you just wake up with one morning. It is something you develop over time. You, lady, have just blessed me with the opportunity to grow just a little stronger.
4. What makes you so sure that I do not cry a lot? Just because I wash my face and take care of my family every single day of the year, does not mean that I do not worry about my son. I do not cry every day. You know why? One reason is because deployment to me is now a way of life. It is not as scary to me every moment as it was 6 months ago. I go through waves of fear (just read through my archive to discover that), but I do not live in utter anguish. That is not what my son or my husband are fighting for. Actually they are both working to keep people like you and me free, and free from the fear or terrorism. How counter-productive would it be for me to sit around in despair the whole time and not take care of life? My son needs to know that he is loved, appreciated, and that his family is here waiting for him to come home — we are healthy, happy, and ready to embrace him the second he walks off of that plane. That’s the hope I am holding onto these days. Despair comes and goes in waves, but Hope endures!
10 Comments
October 3, 2007
Oh my. More to file under “Some people just don’t get it.” *sigh*
Here’s a hug.
October 3, 2007
Bravo. You hit the nail on the head. Thanks.
Cathy B
October 4, 2007
Claire ~ When I get a couple free minutes to blog, I am going to link to this post. I have a couple dozen mom’s who are facing this for the very first time.
They will really enjoy your writing as much as we do!.
My favorite question, since my son has been deployed:
“Why didn’t you make him stay?” I began to giggle like an idiot because I had the visual of my son on his hands and knees, wearing a dog leash… and I was ordering him to ‘sit’… ‘STAY’ … ‘Good Boy!’
I had another well meaning mom tell me that she would have mortgaged the house to keep her son home.
That same woman will not talk with me because I trumped her with; “Is that all? I would mortgage my ‘soul’ to have my son return safe to me.”
The clueless are out there for our entertainment purposes. However, it is not always easy to face them.
October 4, 2007
BFW: That file keeps growing! Fortunately so does the file of those who do get it… but the ones who don’t are morbidly entertaining!
Cathy, I knew you would relate! You have certainly been there done, and doing that! One day they will be home safe and we can laugh about this over coffee (that and valium!) haha!
CavMom, What that woman said to you is incredulous! My gosh… have some people just lost their sense of decency? I often wonder if they think it is OK to just blab about it mindlessly because that is what they often see the media doing. Gosh, I am sorry you had to deal with that, but you handled it with much strength and grace. I had linked to a prior article I wrote called “Basic Compassion Training”. If you haven’t read that one yet, give it a gander. You will be amazed at what some people have heard from others!
October 4, 2007
Exactly!!
Ah, Claire! aren’t these folks just precious…
When my daughter decided to enlist while in high school, I had so many parents react as if she were already dead. Some even stopped speaking to me because I wasn’t hiring a lawyer (I was told they could give me the name of one) to get her out. Shocker of shockers! I was proud! How could that be??!!
My favorite question was “How could you let her do that??” As you say, we have no control after they turn 18.
I can just imagine the reaction if they knew she is going to re-enlist….
October 4, 2007
If you son is like mine, he choose to enlist after 9/11, and that in itself makes me that much more proud of him. I would hate for that lady to say that to me, because I signed on the dotted line for my son because he was no 18 at the time. Gee she would have a feild day with that one I am sure. I would be at the top of her “bad mother” list.
Our sons/husbands/daughters/etc… are making it possible for her to say and do stupid things.
Thanks for the post Claire. It is awesome.
October 4, 2007
Amen Sistah….you go girl comes to mind, how could some people think it is o.k. to say the first thing that pops out of their mouths is beyond me….Love ya Girl
October 4, 2007
Good Lord! Sometimes, you just wonder…
Am going to link back to this post.
October 4, 2007
ps:
Do make up the note cards! I just looked at BCT 101…
that was a terrific post!
October 9, 2007
I must say, you all handle stupid people with much more grace and poise than I could ever muster. I do fear that I would hit them…
Thanks for the laughs, the nerve of some people never ceases to amaze me.
God Bless, and thank YOU for your service.
Tell your son/husband thanks for me also, and that I am proud of them and that they should be proud of the strength you have.
PS: Came over by way of cavmom.
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