Knee Deep in the Hooah!

The first time I ever read the phrase “Permanent Change Station” (PCS) I laughed out loud. I thought “Ha! Leave it to the military to offer one permanent thing … and that IS change!” What I once chuckled at I am now basking in. Permanent change, indeed. Actually, I am really learning how permanent change really is, and how much folly is put into the time we spend assuming that our outcomes in life are somehow married to the plans that we have laid down so carefully.

I know that my regular readers are aware of the wild roller coaster ride we have been on for quite a while now. It seems as if everything that Mr. Hooah! and I worked on together concerning his career change, was sailing along beautifully. For example, we had put our house on the market a couple of years before he decided to join the Army. The house sat on the market, two Realtors and one year later, unsold. We only had a handful of viewers, and only a couple of offers that were so ridiculous we would not even consider them. So, we decided that for whatever reason the house was not meant to sell at that time. When Mr. Hooah! decided to join the Army the first thing we both agreed on was that the house would need to go on the market immediately. We were anticipating the worst — and that would be the house would take forever to sell. With the market the way it was then and with our previous experience we were braced for having to either take a loss or live apart.

Much to our utter amazement the house sold. It sold fast. It not only sold fast, but we got nearly full asking price. The deal went through so smoothly that Mr. Hooah! and myself were almost scared. We took every breath with anticipation that something was bound to fall through. It did not. The house sold and everything went through in time, and as matter of fact we signed the closing of the house the very day that Mr. H! was shipped off to Uncle Benning’s Camp for Wayward Husbands. This was not the only instance in the first part of our journey to go so smoothly. We had a small gap of time between the sale of our house and the opening of the house we wanted to move into. No problem. We were offered a nice home to stay in for however long we needed. The day we moved into the home we are now blessed to stay in, I had a crew of very wonderful men from our Church show up and move my entire home in a matter of a few hours. It has been one incredible blessing after the other. It seemed as if we were walking along a path that was pre-paved just for us. Until, that is….

The fracture has certainly not only left a a scar on my dear husband’s leg, but it has also now left a profound pot-hole in our path. Wait just a minute! This was not at all what we were anticipating. It was not part of the plan, heck, it was not even part of plan B! How did this wild and wandering snafu happen across our path? Talk about a “WTF!” moment! My mind is still trying to figure it all out. You know though, really, all of this is nothing more than another change. I have to admit that I feel very foolish these days when I look back on how complacent I allowed myself to become since all was working out so well. Yes, I was so contented within the circumstances of our journey and how well it had all been going that it felt like the end of OCS was in the bag.

I fretted and worried through BCT. Some of that was due to the fact that we could not talk, and I am a communicative person. I was worried that something would go wrong. Actually looking back now I realize that I was more worried then because bad things are allowed to happen in the beginning, right? Isn’t it just like life for you to get hurt in the first segment of some major challenge? It’s allowed. In my mind, however, that “allowance” shrank with time. After BCT, I fretted and worried when the Candidates were going through the APFT that would determine who stayed at OCS and who would be sleeping in HHC that night. Then I fretted about some of the other challenges before them in the first few weeks. I wasn’t worried that Mr. H! couldn’t make it. I know better than that. He is strong and determined, and I knew he could take on the challenges of OCS with no problem. I was worried about injury.

Fast forward a few weeks, we were now so far into this journey that no serious injuries were allowed. We had already spent months apart, poured a lot of money into that OCS packing list and visits to see one another. That cat was in the proverbial bag. One problem though, the bag had a gaping hole in the bottom of it and we didn’t know. So, how do you integrate all of the changes that take place? The changes you anticipate are easy to figure out and integrate. Really those very changes are what you are working for. I am asking about the changes that leave you staring into an empty bag with a hole in the bottom, and no cat to be found? Maybe the first thing you need to do is remember that all you ever had in your hand was the bag… the cat was never promised, it was only hoped for.

The changes I am trying to figure out are hard for me to process. When Mr. H! fell during his run that morning he fell hard, and when he fell we both went face first into a brick wall. I can see now that the only way to integrate these changes is to change my own erroneous assumptions about plan making, trail blazing, and outcomes. When everything is moving in the direction for which you are planned and prepared changes are not scary, but when the changes are no longer the outcome and have become the driving force behind your decisions, it’s a totally different story. Where will we be 3 years from today? The only thing I do know is, if I am still on this earth and breathing, I will be changing.