Knee Deep in the Hooah!

It was a long night last night. The baby wouldn’t stay asleep, my leg was aching — some kind of pulled something or other from my run yesterday, and my mind was full of thoughts of my Soldier. I always miss him, but there are times when the emptiness from his missing presence in this Country is more pronounced — no it screams. I know he is working quadruple time these days. I worry about him of course — and pray for him nearly as often as I blink.Last night before we went to bed Mr. H., asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was just blue and missing Mike and that I was very worried for him. Mr. H., said “Yeah, I know. I can’t wait until he is home again. I can’t wait until his feet are here back in the US.” It’s strange because we do not normally talk much about how much we miss Mike or how much we worry for him — not in actual discussions. We normally talk about our memories of him from when he was home or what he may be doing or may be up to on a given day depending on the news, and we also often chat about the future with him.

We talk about him everyday and several times a day, but I don’t normally allow myself to drift into talking about how much I really, truly miss him. It’s just too hard to chat about without leaving me feeling flat. It leaves me feeling like my boot straps (you know the ones I am famous for pulling myself up by) have been removed. Maybe this is home front battle fatigue, I don’t know. What I do know is this is a sadness that can easily become consuming if you don’t discipline your thoughts. It’s a lot like the deployment itch I talked about last year.

One thing that stirred up my feelings of missing Mike was hearing his response to the news that his little brother, Nate, wants to join. Nate is a handful of days shy of 17. He has been talking a lot about wanting to join the Reserves and doing the delayed entry program. He originally was going to do ROTC or an Academy. His JROTC Major says he is definitely Academy material. For whatever reason Nate decided that he wanted to join and do it ASAP.

Bryan and I both have been encouraging him to really think about his options and the long term benefits and drawbacks to joining now versus going on to college first. Neither of us are against him joining, nor are we for it — we both want him to make an informed and aware decision. It’s that simple. We also told him that he really needed to talk with his older brother about this, and Mike wanted to talk with Nate about it as well. We both know that Nate really looks up to Mike — Nate always has. Mike was Nate’s male role model during their time growing up — single parenting was hard, but Mike really took the role of caring for Nate in a fraternal way. The two of them have always had a good big-brother-little-brother relationship. Of course they both love their other brother, Noah, but when it comes to asking for or following advice we knew that Nate would listen to Mike. We also know that Mike will give Nate sound advice.

When Mike talked with him, I could tell that Nate was hearing information that he really didn’t want to hear… not that it was bad, but it was contrary to what he thought Mike might say and what Nate wanted to hear. Mike, of course, was brutally honest with Nate about deployment and about enlisted life. He did not romanticize or glorify it, nor did he maim it and hack it up to make it sound worse than it is. He told him the naked truth. Mike’s reaction was very parental.

Mike’s thoughts on Nate entering the Reserves are what surprised me. I knew his actions and thoughts would be protective and caring in nature — the way he has always been with Nate, but he had memories of Nate as a young child. He remembered the little boy who was horribly homesick one year during Summer camp, and Mike needed to be called to the kiddie cabin to comfort him. I could tell that Mike had a sense of dread when he imagined that same little boy going off to war — being sent to Iraq and seeing and experiencing what Mike is seeing and experiencing right now. Mike has a harder disadvantage than I do because he does not have the luxury of only imagining what war is like — he knows about it intimately. He doesn’t have to “only imagine” what Nate may go through, he can see Nate’s face on the soldier’s around him, and in his own face as well.

When I think of Mike’s reaction and his actions toward Nate it makes me feel a deep sense of pride and, once again, it reminds me of what a strong, capable, and mature man he is — the only “boyness” that is left for Mike is in my memory of that time. It’s a memory that I will always cherish.

When I think of Mike going off to war I too have tender memories of a little boy who needed me to care for him. War causes a time warp for families. So much changes in such a small period of time, and a very important part of your family is put on hold. Age and maturation, however, can not be paused. Little boys grow up fast when wars are waged. The lazy seasons of times past no longer gently fade into a memory, but rather they are a stark and cruel contrast to the season currently lived.

Mike, you should know that Nate told us a few nights ago that he has decided to delay joining. He has considered your advice and has decided to stay the course and apply to various colleges.

Tags: Army, Shack Pack news, combat, deployment, family life, military, updates, veterans, war on terror, worry //