Knee Deep in the Hooah!

I have recently started taking a class called “Body Sculpting” at the YMCA. It is an intense one-hour long class that targets specific muscle groups and works them to the point of fatigue. I never knew how painful exercising could be until I started this class, and I honestly mean that. Several years ago I took Yoga for a period of time. I loved it. It was a lot of work and it would leave my muscles a sore, but nothing like what I am experiencing in this new class. The odd thing about the pain is … I like it.

I like to feel the pain after the workout because I know that I am building muscle. I like the pain because it is the type of pain where you know you are not injured, and you know that you have done something good and beneficial. This pain will make me stronger, and there will come a point where these types of workouts will get easier and I will have to add more weight on my small barbell and use bigger hand weights. Weight lifting, running, Yoga, and other repetitious types of exercise gets easier with time. It’s not just because you are building muscle either.

Muscle memory is a large reason why an exercise gets easier with time. Just like memorizing lines for a play — the more you say them, read them, and see them the better you remember the lines — your neuromuscular system remembers the movement of an exercise. The memory makes the muscles more efficient in their movement and more accurate in their target. The body no longer needs to build muscle in order to do the repetitions, and it no longer exerts the same amount of energy. This is why we have to step up our work outs all the time in order to stay healthy. It’s important to keep up the exercise or you will eventually lose some of that muscle memory, but the old saying “just like riding a bike” is also true. Once you learn a skill and learn it well, even if you quit for a long period of time, you will gain the skill back quicker than when you learned it the first time. When you hop back on that bike after giving up the pedals for 10-years you may be wobbly, but it doesn’t take long to remember how to balance.

So, what does all of this talk about muscle memory have to do with coping and deployment? It serves as a very good parallel that is helping me understand the journey I have been on for the past ten months. Not only have I been building muscle and cardiovascular capacity over the past year, but I have also been building coping skills and abilities. It’s something that I set out to intentionally tackle, and now that I am 10-months out I can see that my “coping muscles” are getting stronger and have more definition to them. That does not mean that the difficulties of deployment have gotten easier — it means that I am coping with them more efficiently and more accurately now that I have some “behavioral-emotional memory” to draw from.

When Mike left for Iraq in April and Bryan left for Ft. Benning in May, I was left holding down the fort. I was trying to keep life together for a toddler and a teen while we were uprooted and sitting in one temporary home and then I had to arrange and deal with moving to our next home. The moving part was tough, but not so scary. The solo parenting part was tough, but I have done this part before. It’s not easy, but I had some “memory” to draw from. Missing my husband, not being able to talk to him and coping with my son being in a battlefield all at the same time is what threw me for an absolute loop. I had never done this before! I had nothing to draw from. I was back at square one, and that was not something I was expecting.

Just like building muscle, the first several months of deployment were hard and painful. I didn’t like this pain though. I didn’t know if I was injured or if I was going to be alright, really. I just forged ahead. I did have some existing coping skills and I prepared myself the best I knew how, but how do you prepare yourself for the unknown? I guess you prepare for survival instead of success, and sometimes survival is the best success you can hope for. I have been much more fortunate than just surviving this though. I am stronger, and I have built a muscle group that I didn’t even realize I had! My coping skills were there, but they were greatly under-utilized and had never been through this training regimen before.

The coping skills that I have exercised the most have been: self-soothing, sorting out rational from irrational fears, discerning who and what information was helpful, learning how to distract myself in healthy ways, self-control over fear and thoughts, building my support network, and learning to appreciate myself a little. These are all the things that I had to learn to use and exercise. I have worked them to the point of fatigue, and now they are in my reactionary memory. They are no longer hard, cumbersome or difficult to use. Just like when I first used a barbell with weights - shaking and cringing - I did that too when having to use some of these underdeveloped emotional coping tools for the first time or for the first time in a long time.

Self-soothing has been a huge one for me because my main source of comfort and support was also gone at the time when my main focus for concern had left for Iraq! You can’t hold yourself when you are a blubbering mess! What’s a girl to do when she needs comfort and there is no one around at 2 am? She prays, she blogs, she allows herself a good indulgent cry, she watches her favorite movie or she soaks in a hot tub. This was my own way to try and bring a little comfort to myself during Bryan’s absence. In the first month or two that he was gone I had to plan out what I would try when I was struggling, but now if I am alone and very stressed out over something I pretty much know that praying first, then blogging about it or listening to my music and running a few miles will take care of my needs. It isn’t easy, but I have become more efficient and more accurate in my way of dealing with the stress.

I could give many, many examples for each of the skills I listed. Sorting out my rational and irrational fears was a hard one. It’s hard to sort out what’s rational and what’s not when you are missing critical feedback. Again, my blog was here, and so many of you over the months have given me the nod I need! It’s nice to hear the feedback, and then I know I haven’t totally lost my mind! Friends, family, and joining 2 message boards –one for Christian Military Wives and one for Army Parents — helped tremendously! I didn’t even have to ask questions at times … I just read other people’s thoughts and knew that I was being rational or irrational because they too had already experienced it. This skill was aided greatly when I learned how to stay away from bad news. I also distanced myself from people who tend to be negative all the time. It was wearing me out and putting doubts in my head — I had enough doubts of my own, I didn’t need to carry the weight of other people’s doubts too. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. You have to stay well and sane for the benefit of your family.

Learning that you need a distraction is hard, but figuring out how to add a distraction to your day in order to stay healthy is harder. I knew that nights would be rough for me. Bryan and I always finished our days with a long chat. We often would fall asleep talking about our day, talking about plans or processing whatever we needed to deal with. I looked forward to crawling in bed next to my husband every night, more than anything! I love him and I love his company. How would I be able to face that empty bed? How can I face it when I had so much on my heart and mind at that time too? I found things to do until I could lay down and pass out. I waited until late and the kids were in bed, to pay all of my bills, do my banking, research information, clean my house, do my laundry, sort my boxes, rearrange furniture, do a Yoga routine, etc. When the kids were in bed I would work myself doing productive things until I was very tired. Then I would read or blog and pass out. I went many days with very little sleep, but that was the lesser of two evils. I could handle sleep deprivation, it was husband deprivation that was threatening to do me in. Know what you can and can’t handle and tackle it accordingly!

As far as controlling my thoughts go, my prayer life was greatly tied to this particular coping skill. I think that this skill is vital because there is a battlefield in our minds, and when your loved one is in a war zone and the media constantly flashes horrible images and even more horrible headlines at you 24/7 then you have got to learn to take control of your thoughts. You can not entertain all of the possibilities. If you do, you really will go insane. I am not exaggerating. A controlled thought life is a valuable asset to posses. As a Christian it is a muscle that I already exercised daily, but I had never had to wield this amount of control over it before. My thoughts and fears could have easily owned me over that time, but prayer, reading Scripture, fellowship with others, and discipline helped me greatly. This was also another reason that I really needed that support network to be built up and to have others to talk to.

“Appreciating myself” sounds so cliché, I know. I am the first one to “bah-hum-bug” the whole mommy movement that asserts the only way to find yourself is to ditch your kids, get away from the husband and seek out your own life. Bah. I was created to be a mother and a wife, and you know what? I love it. I flourish in it! I even had a friend tell me once that she could see me “blossom” when my husband came home for convalescent leave in September after his accident. She could see a visible difference in me, the home and everything. It wasn’t that I didn’t take care of things when he was gone, but rather everything shines more when he is here. It’s a phenomenon! They won’t be able to stand the shine without sun-glasses when Mike is redeployed and both guys are here. As far as self-appreciation goes it was really more gaining a perspective.

I tend to fall into the “way too hard on myself” category. I guess that is a coping skill I developed in graduate school — nah, really way before that. It has served me well, because I can get very complacent when I think I am doing a good job. However, with the stress and strain I was under, a little complacency was not going to be a bad thing. I needed to look at all that I had accomplished and reflect on the good work that was done. It helped me remember that the Lord is, indeed, my source of strength because there was no way that Claire could have done all of that and done it so well on her own!

In weight lifting, if you do not learn how to properly exercise the muscle you are targeting you can do some pretty bad damage over time. You can injure yourself and actually cause some atrophy in the muscle you already had if you are incorrectly lifting weights — that sets you way back. Just like in exercise, in your emotional life, if you pick maladaptive ways of coping you will set yourself back and you could do some serious damage. I tried to always ask myself when I would make decisions or do something “is this beneficial for me and my family.” Using things like food or shopping for some comfort is not a bad thing, necessarily, but you have to do it with a lot of mindfulness. It can be a quick and easy fix and easy to turn to when things are tough. It may have some benefits at times, but it’s not beneficial if it’s leaned on a coping skill — it’s not a skill it’s an indulgence. Don’t let the two become confused!

In days of late I feel like I am coping better. It’s hard for me to admit that, because I do not want any one to ever think that deployment just gets easier with time. It really doesn’t. I am simply coping better. I still exercise those “coping muscles” every day. Right now I am in a maintenance phase, but when things shake up a little or change I will be right back to sculpting that heart.

In the meantime, I have a 10K to train for so I better get busy! I find motivation in remembering that I am not only physically running a race, but I am also mentally, emotionally and spiritually running one as well.

Tags: Army Mom Posts, Army Wife Posts, Morale, deployment, family life, mental health, military, war on terror, worry //