February 18, 2008
Posted by Claire
Redeployment Anxieties
I am not superstitious. Not only am I not superstitious, but I am painfully suspicious of most things that are rooted in intuition and other immeasurable things. I am a skeptic. I learned to scrutinize every possible explanation for cause and effect relationships while working in research. There’s an alternate explanation for nearly everything. So, why am I now haunted by and succumbing to these superstitious feelings that I could somehow “jinx” his redeployment? I know it’s irrational, so I am not entertaining the thought as even a remote possibility, but rather I am processing the wild and erratic ride my heart has had me on for the past several months.
I am not sure if this is a temporary mind set, or if this will be my “new normal” since deployment has obviously altered my, “already skewed enough as it was,” brain. I am wondering when your guard finally comes back down. When can I actually allow that one muscle in my shoulder blades to finally un-spasm itself? When I was younger I used to think how wonderful it would be to take life totally and utterly as a fragile thing. I thought that living like the next breath is not granted would be such a blissful state. We really are not supposed to take our next breath or day as a promised thing. It’s a very refreshing place to reside I think. It really is when it’s done for small periods of time, but the truth of the matter is mere mortals are not equipped to live in that state all the time. We just aren’t.
I want to plan. I want to start a “countdown” timer to a redeployment time frame, but I don’t dare. I gasp even thinking of it. If I get too excited maybe he will get too excited. If we both get too excited then maybe mistakes will happen, and I can’t allow myself to think about what happens when mistakes are made. When you let your shoulders relax the world will certainly fall!
Atlas has no clue as to how heavy the world really is when someone you love so dearly is “walking the beat” so to speak, in the Middle East.
Even when he boards the plane in Kuwait to head off into the sunset of redeployment and the surreal feeling of walking down a street without 50 pounds of gear on, or the feeling of not having to eye people approaching him with suspicion and fear that their intention is hidden in a malignant vest under their clothing, he will not be guaranteed safety.
Even when he is back in garrison working the daily grind and complaining of the boredom, complaining of the food, and joking with his buddies, he will not guaranteed time and perfect health. Things happen everyday to people who are not in Iraq. Things happen everyday to people in this Country. Why have I ever fooled myself into a mesmerizing complacency that has lulled me into believing that I have ever been granted another day with anyone I love, or they with me?
I took it for granted for so long, and I will probably do it again in the future because I am not strong enough or big enough to carry that burden all of the time. Somehow, someway, that awareness has be gently and neatly tucked away and put up for another time. I am ready to go back to a time when that awareness only visits when I hear of close calls or attend funerals. I want the awareness back that makes you contemplate the fragility of life. I don’t want the awareness that reminds me of the fragility of life with a huge hammer hanging over our heads being held by a string. It’s too much over such a long period of time.
I don’t doubt God’s goodness, power or His ability to protect us all. I really don’t.
War simply wears you down over time, and if I am feeling this tired I can’t even imagine how my soldier feels after nearly a year. It really stinks being a mere mortal.
9 Comments
February 18, 2008
Your perspective is shared by many I think, yet it doesn’t make it any easier. I know
Deployment really does wear, on all parties involved.
I can imagine the burden (especially as a parent) you must carry is great with having your son there, as is his with being there in the flesh.
My good friend who is there right now really seems to be feeling that wear. Hes has a few more months till R&R and then will be there through 09′. I actually have one of those counters and often I don’t even look at it for the sheer fact that him being on US soil is another year away …the time is so daunting.
I will continue to pray for you and hope for you and your family. I know (just by the bit i have read) you are so strong in your love for your family and your faith in God.
Know that we are behind you as well, and hopefully by sharing on here you can give us a little of that burden and we can all help each other carry it.
God Bless,
Jade
February 19, 2008
Thank you Jade, for your kind words of encouragement and your empathy. It certainly does help to share it all here. I pray that your friend’s deployment goes by as quickly as possible for all. It seems to happen in a time warp!
You area very wise young woman. For a 20-year old, you seem to understand a lot. It is very refreshing.
February 19, 2008
Once again you’ve expressed the situation clearly and honestly. You’re so right, not even on a college campus in the United States is safety a guarantee
The vigilance will continue till you know feet are on US soil. Muscles ceasing to spasm? The cure for that will be seeing the whites of his eyes!
Until then, day by day, one day at time, with occasional peeks at redeployment.
After all, we are only human! So here’s to the next phase, the last phase of this deployment, (I’m raising my coffee cup), God Bless and protect the entire company, may they maintain their focus and drive, be assured those of us back home remain vigilant in their behalf each and every day~and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Bless you, hang tough, thanks for this excellent post.
February 19, 2008
The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the – Web Reconnaissance for 02/19/2008 A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention, updated throughout the day…so check back often.
February 19, 2008
Thank you.
Your writing and perspective is also very refreshing.
You are so wise..and every time I read your blog I realize how much in life I still have yet to learn.
February 19, 2008
You are right Claire. It never gets any easier. I told myself that this second deployment would be easier, but who am I kidding thinking that. How could it be easy when we are sending I kids off to war. I will know what to expect this time, and maybe that is what is keeping me going.
I feel like our second deployment is going to be sooner than 2009 since they just did their medical two weeks ago.
Claire I will keep you in my thoughts.
February 20, 2008
Oh my, my son is not even done with AIT, but am beginning to feel the weight as he tells me he is so sure he will be going over there by the end of the year. I keep telling myself to not think about it until he gets his Duty Station and he should be finding that out sooner than later he tells me.
I appreciate you and others who write about their feelings and thoughts so that those of us who are facing a deployment can know that what we feel is very “normal.”
February 20, 2008
Cathy, I tell ya, if I couldn’t write it out I would burst! This blog (and friends like you) really do help me keep it all in perspective.
Jade, I have a feeling you will do splendid in the realm of learning life’s lessons.
Stacy, I have been thinking of you and your soldier. I don’t think that there is anything that could make deployment easier on the family left behind. I think that a second deployment would easier logistically speaking (knowing what to expect with time lines, packages, etc). but just as hard as the first one emotionally. I plan on being around for the duration, so I will certainly be there for you as much as I can. You and SSM are some of the first mil-parents I ever got to read as blogs. It helped me tremendously.
Jane, the only advice I can give right now is pray and breath. I know that the GAP family is a tremendous resource, so you have the company of many who can relate. AIT can be an exciting time for a soldier. What is your son’s MOS?
February 21, 2008
If I tell you I have to kill you. Well, that is what he tells me when we try to find out what he is learning. He is in Intelligence. He is loving it, but he keeps saying, “when I go to Iraq.” I guess they like to send the new ones over right away.
Sorry, comments for this entry are closed at this time.