Knee Deep in the Hooah!

"We are more than a color;
we are the embodiment of ovarian peace
and fallopian justice!" --Code Pink Motto

For months now the anti-war group known as “Code Pink” has been hard at work trying to force a Marines recruiting station in downtown Berkeley, CA, to move out of the area. “Actually we would like it if all of the military offices would shut their doors.” said Zeta Mandarin, a leader in the local group of Code Pink volunteers.

“We are more than volunteers” said Mandarin “We are she-warriors of peace and light, and we plan on shutting the military down by holding events like ‘Breastfeeding instead of bombing’ where we nurse our babies in front of the station.” Who would have thought that breasts could have such an impact on the world? The goddess is afoot, I tell you!”

While Mandarin and the other Code Pink “she-warriors” continue to picket, sing and nurse their babies, we searched the parameter of the scene outside the station to get local reactions on the events that has brought Berkeley to national attention and has even come to the point of threatening its federal funding.

We talked with local banker, Joe Henley, whose office is located across the street and down one block from the Recruiting station. The constant traffic issues, picketers and breastfeeding women have been a nuisance and a danger. “The other day I was crossing the street to get a fresh bagel and coffee, and I was almost hit by an old VW Van with peace symbols scrawled all over it.” reported Henley. “I protested Vietnam. I was young and stupid and still doing LSD. These people should stop doing drugs and just find a job somewhere.” He said in an irritated manner. “I mean they blame Bush for the economy, but I don’t think any of them have a freaking job. I know they don’t have an account at our bank!”

Likewise we spoke with a young mother toting her 3-year old twin daughters around in a stroller. “I was walking around with my girls and some hysterical old woman, with body odor, frizzy hair and split ends came running at us.” the mother continued “She had fake blood on her hands. I thought she had just hit a pedestrian and was looking for help.” The young mother goes on to tell that she had unknowingly been picked out by the protesters as a prop for a scene in their protest plans.

“I don’t feel special at all” she said “I mean, I was going on a walk and all of a sudden I have a very ugly woman screaming at me ‘they’ll take your babies!’ The Marines want your babies!’ and crap like that. It made the girls cry!” When we mentioned the incident to Mandarin she confirmed that the incident happened. “Yes, that did happen, and we hope that young mother and her girls will come back and protest with us. They had a ball and were very enlightened today.” Undoubtedly it will be a memory the mother and kids will not soon forget.

Later in the day we had the opportunity to speak with Captain Plank of the recruiting station that has come under attack by the Berkeley City Council and the “she-warriors” of Code Pink. Captain Plank has served 8-years in the United States Marine Corp, and is a veteran, serving two tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. When confronted with the accusation of stealing people’s babies the Captain looked both frustrated and amused. “The families in Berkeley can rest assured in the knowledge that we would never do such a thing. As a matter of statistical probability, babies in the city have a greater risk of being carried off by a wild dingo than they do of being kidnapped by the military.”

The Captain’s interview was cut short as he had to retrieve a potential recruit who had been caught up in the vicious snare of breasts, patchouli and babies all chained to the doors. The Captain yelled as he quickly walked away from me, “D@mn it! I don’t have time for this! The breastfeeding kick was good for a laugh the first dozen times, but this has got to stop. We’ve got work to do!”

Mandarin, outside the office responds to the Captain’s frustration “See, he’s been a Marine for so long that he is having a harder time dealing with the tenderness being displayed here. I think he needs a hug. Really. If that doesn’t work then we will drive him out with our singing.”

Another young woman attending the breastfeeding, witchcraft, moon dance, and falafel-fry, event talked with this reporter, and I gained some rather interesting insight into the thoughts of Code Pink protesters. “You know if we stopped bombing everyone all the time, I know that terrorism would cease. It’s just an endless cycle. We bomb, they get pissed off and kill people and chop people’s heads off, and then we bomb them again. It’s just sad. It makes me cry at least once a week.” Another mother chimed in and, while rolling her eyes, said “The military is like so passé! I mean this isn’t Hitlertville you know! Gosh!”

The woman sitting beside her had a pink t-shirt on proclaiming “Grandma’s for Justice and all that crap.” We asked her if this reminded her of the days of post Vietnam. “Nah! Nam was different all around. You could spit on soldiers in broad daylight and be a real jerk to them and no one said much. Nowadays crap like that doesn’t fly, so you have to find covert ways to disrespect them. That’s exactly what we are doing and plan on doing until someone stops us!”

The City made national headlines when City Council made a very clear statement that the Marines are not welcome in Berkeley. Councilwoman Jerree Jewel says “Heck ya we’re standing by what we said! We’re not afraid of the Marines. I mean we think they are evil and violent, but goodness and light shall prevail in this dark, dark age.” Her friend and colleague Jessee McCabe inserted “All I have known my whole is life is the death, destruction and annihilation that is the US Military.” She fainted shortly after that statement and was unavailable for further comment.

We will continue the coverage of Code Pink versus the United States Marine Corp as events unfold. Since I have been told to stay here in Berkeley while covering this story you can bet your life that this reporter will be found hiding from the scary protesters I met and standing proudly behind a big, bad Marine. Semper Fi.

[and just for the record... this is total satire.
Scary that you thought even for a second it was real, eh?]

Tags: Berkeley, Funny, Jackass of the Day, Weird, anti-military, looney leftists, mental health, military, politics //