Mother’s Guilt and Redeployment
When the time came for redeployment I went through a huge array of feelings and emotions that I really was not ready for. I had envisioned over the past 15 months that when the end of my son’s deployment came up that I would feel joy, elation, relief, and happiness. Don’t get me wrong. I have certainly felt all of those feelings, more so than anything else. It’s just that they were accompanied by other feelings that took me quite by surprise, to be honest.
When I heard they were first on the move I was excited and very happy. I was also very scared for them at that time. There is something about allowing yourself to breathe out too much before those boots hit American soil. It makes you very apprehensive in relaxing and exhaling fully. It’s really a lot of very irrational emotions. Part of me felt as if I would be arrogant or cocky if I got too giddy too soon, and my fear then was that somehow I would jinx the whole redeployment by being too happy too soon. Oh, mother’s can bring suspicion and guilt to soaring heights of new expression. I know better than that. I know my feelings have nothing to do with what may or may not occur during a redeployment. I, of course, respected OPSEC and did not say what I knew here - that would have been foolish, but I should have been able to jump for joy in my living room without fear that somehow I would be calling down the “redeployment god’s” wrath and indignation!
However, I spent the greater amount of the time praying for my son and all of the men with him. I prayed for everything from protection for them while they were on the move, to their mental health while they were leaving Iraq and facing reentry back in the States. After praying I would often sleep for a while and have some pretty vivid dreams about a lot of things. I was processing a lot of stress, needless to say.
When I got word that my son had been slated for an earlier flight and would come home ahead of all but 9 other men from his Company, I felt it all hit me like a flood. I was joyful. I was elated. I made plans to go to Washington to see him, even though we decided I wouldn’t be able to do it. I was ready to sell a kidney to make it happen! I wanted to see that face! I wanted to hug that neck, and I wanted to set eyes on him myself so I could finally realize once and for all that he is, indeed, home from war and with us! I went from elation to weeping. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
My thoughts were consumed with the men whose seats were left unfilled on those flights. I thought of the young man my son called a friend who died in Iraq when he was targeted by a madman in a suicide vest. I thought of his parents, his wife, and how much they would long to see that face, hug that neck and lay eyes on him again. Mostly I thought of how their longing would go unfilled. I thought of the other young men who were in Bravo Company and who came home draped in a Flag. Young men whose mothers, wives, girlfriends, and families were waiting just like I did for that car to pull up into the driveway, only my nightmare never happened. I was filled with so much joy and so much anguish at the same time. It reminded me of the intense fear and pride I had to deal with while I was absorbing the reality that deployment was imminent. These are emotions that do not normally coincide.
Those young men will never leave my thoughts and my memories of this war. Never. They have become an integral part of my memories of my own son through this time. When I read of their deaths I wept. When I heard of their families I wept. When I think of their empty seats on that airplane I weep. I will never think of this war and my time of being on the home front while my son was deployed and not think of them too.
I think that I have finally come to truly understand what it means when we say “to military families everyday is Memorial Day.” They were not faceless soldiers. They were sons, husbands, fathers, uncles, brothers, friends, they were ours.
You are right Claire. Every day in the eyes of Military families is Memorial Day. I too felt exactly what you are feeling.
I also had those same nightmares that you had, and am again having them as we get ready for our second deployment. I find myself planning everything from a homecoming to a funeral. I thought that this second deployment would be a little easier, but I don’t think that is going to be the case.
I know that you will be so glad to see your son, and when you do, please tell him thank you for me.
Oh Claire, once again you’ve expressesed the emotions, the roller coaster of this time so well. Swore I would not shed another tear as this new chapter begins today, yet reading this, the tears pour down my cheeks. This journey will forever be woven into the fabric of our lives. I want to tell everyone how brave and strong these guys have been, about those precious individuals who were missing from the return flight, how proud and grateful our country should be that these men and women chose to serve us all.. Every day is Memorial Day.
{{{{{{{{{Claire}}}}}}}}}
Because of the ‘work’ I volunteered to do, and because I AM a mother (albeit not a military mum), every single day I think about the faces I have seen of these young heroes. Because of what I do, I get to look at pictures of the young wives and their newborns; I get to ‘feel’ the families.
Because of the blessings brought my way, I have hugged a Gold Star Father, become friends with a Gold Star Mother. Their precious sons are engraved on MY heart also. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the lives that might have been, if the young men I have come to ‘know’ returned home to the love and hugs of their beloved families.
As you know, I do sometimes despair of all that is, but the thought of these heroes, and their families, drives me on.
I cannot presume to know all that YOU feel, but I CAN - and do - promise, that I will always hold you, and them, in my heart as I work in my chosen service to honour you all….
{{{{{{{{{{{{{claire}}}}}}}}}}
Claire, dang it, you made me cry with your words and your thoughts… You also make me so glad that I can be part of this, this American life. I may not have a son, a daughter or even a husband serving, but they have become my sons, my daughters, my husband, my sisters, brothers all…
And as long as “we” breathe, none of those men and women who have given their lives protecting us will be forgotten.
Hugs and kisses from mine to yours….
Awwwww I have friends and one cousin fighting in Iraq but the closeness you have to this and the way you put how you feel into words, I cannot imagine the relief you must be feeling and the anguish as well.
OH Claire you gave me goosebumps. I know all too well what you are describing and I will be on that roller coaster all too soon myself. Thank you for everything you put into this site; it is really amazing.
You said it perfectly. Th guilt is not just for moms. I know I feel it every time I look at Hubby and think of the guys we have lost when he was deployed. I am glad he is here alive and well, but feel guitly that I am so happy while wonderful women are raising kids alone and will never see their husbands face again.
Knee Deep,well said.My wife and I just were talking about the constant ride and the ever waking minutes thinking of our love ones. We are all different now and I pray that our country will continue to honor these young men and women and the families. This site has been a Divine Blessing. God will reward you in this life and the life to come!! Well I had better stop if you know what I mean!! As we say in the South “You are a sweety pie!”
Stacy, I think it’s only easier logistically, but there is no way we could ever get used to going through this. It’s just not what we have in mind while we are raising our youngsters. Don’t get me wrong… being a soldier is a very noble and legitimate career, but that doesn’t mean we ever accept our sons going into places that are dangerous and far away. I am thinking of you and praying for you and Michael during this time Stacy.
Cathy, when you sent me the note and named some of our fallen heroes from Bravo I knew that you were having the same thoughts and feelings I was. bittersweet is all I can say. (((hugs)))
Brat, you are such a doll and you have been such a wonderful support to us through all of this. Your work on TBs brings you in a much closer circle. You certainly know how it feels to have people you care about deeply in that war zone, and you have taken that knowledge to reach out to their families.
KY Woman, dry those tears and jump in your car! You need to come on down to TN for a welcome home bash in July! Heck, yer kin we can make room for ya! I am going to get you to run up North and grab Miss. Cathy too. I just know she’s part of the family… I am not sure how yet, but she is.
Heather, Sommer and Reasa, thank you all so much for your prayers and your encouragement through all of this. I thought I knew so much, but I found out I was clueless. There was no way for me to know what I would be going through until the journey took me forward. I appreciate you all helping me, encouraging me, and laughing and crying with me through it all.
Thanks so much Bulldog! You and your family are a huge blessing to me too. I can still picture your son sitting outside visiting with his friends on Memorial Day! What a small piece of heaven that must have been for you to witness! The blessings go both ways, and thank you for calling me a sweety! I told Mr. H! that in the South that is a real compliment… it’s when someone says “Well bless her heart!” that you need to look at ‘em a little funny! ha ha!
I found your blog via A Soldier’s Wife.
What a beautiful post. I think this is part of the guilt that soldiers feel when they come home. It is such a mixed emotion. I still have quite a bit of time til my soldier comes home and since this is the first deployment that I’ve experienced personally, I am scared of what to expect. I really have no idea and he doesn’t tell me much. He’d rather hear about normal American life.
Still I wonder when he comes back to “normal American life”, what feelings will he have to process? How long will it take him before he can enjoy this life again without feeling guilty for surviving?
I guess we’ll see.
Thanks for your blog.
Amen, sister…been there and done that…and about to do it again. Don’t squeeze that neck too tightly now….. :)
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