Knee Deep in the Hooah!

I received an email that had me reminiscing about how I had prepared for Mike’s deployment and Bryan’s time in Tradoc last year. I am still having a hard time adjusting to the fact that we are on the other side of all of the time away and time in Iraq. When I think back to that time I often feel an increase in the speed of my heart rate and I can feel a small amount of the time warp I lived in for that year — and in particular that six months with both guys gone at the same time.

I went back in time for a moment in my thoughts and came back to the present realizing that I not only made it through to the other side, but today I am healthier and stronger to boot. i didn’t just survive - I conquered! Emma is also on the other side, and for a four-year old, I think she is very well adjusted and ready to handle added stress with a new competency.

The email I received that got me thinking on all of this again was about an article posted at education.com on how to help children cope with the deployment of a loved one. I recommend the article. It’s well written and has a lot of great suggestions. I know my Emma sure did go through a lot of anxiety during her papa’s time away, and she is only just now realizing that Mike is no longer in Iraq. The resiliency of a four-year old is pretty incredible, but helping her deal with her papa’s and brother’s absences started way before any discussions with her about their location or their jobs.

While working in mental health years ago, one aspect of my job entailed training trainers. Parents of the kids in our program would sometimes also attend these sessions. A vital topic of focus during one segment was “caring for the caregiver.” I would often use the analogy of the instructions given by the Flight Crew on commercial airliners before departure to illuminate the importance of taking care of one’s self.

Flight Crews cover safety instructions while preparing for departure, and they always go over how to wear an oxygen mask in case of the loss of cabin pressure. They instruct that if you are sitting next to a child or some one who needs your aid that you are to put your mask on first and then assist the person next to you.

The idea behind this notion is obvious and simple — if you pass out you are no good to those around you, and they aren’t in the position to help you! It easily translates to the need for preparing yourself and caring for yourself during times of high stress, like deployment, so that you can continue to take care of your family.

Some of the common pitfalls, according to a lot of literature I have read, for people who are dealing with a high level of stress (such as deployment related) in a maladaptive way are: excessive drinking, excessive spending, neglecting chores and responsibilities, other signs of depression and self destructive behavior, etc. If a parent is not taking care of herself, then she is not in the position to truly care for those who need her most - her kids.

Not all severe stressors are predictable in their timing, but when they are - when you have a date whether it is general or specific, then you have time to prepare yourself for that stress. You can brace yourself before the storm. I know that one of the most beneficial things I did was start an exercise program. It helped me with my anxiety, it wore me out so that I slept better at night and it kept my eating in check. On top of coping with the stress I dropped the extra weight I had been carrying and am now stronger than I was before my guys left!

I wrote an article back in May of last year titled “Your mama wears combat boots” and I outlined and explored what I did to get ready for the stress and how I was handling it. It was focused on mothers and deployment stress, but it is fitting for mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, and all loved ones. Here’s the highlights:

• Brace yourself for pre-deployment stress. You will start grieving before your soldier leaves.
• Stay away from the news when you are in a heightened emotional state.
• Keep yourself busy, but plan ahead so that you make yourself busy with healthy things instead of succumbing to impulsiveness when you need to distract yourself.
• Before deployment you need to work up the courage to talk to your soldier about anything that is troubling you in your relationship with him. You need to have a clear conscience. Do this in a way that is not burdensome to your soldier. He needs to stay focused on the challenge ahead of him.
• Seek out and find people who can support you. Be sure you tell them that you are not looking for a good debate on the war.
• Acknowledge that you are only a mortal and that you have limitations too.
• If you feel that your health is being affected by the stress (high blood pressure, insomnia, etc) then you need to see a doctor. Do not, I repeat do NOT allow your health to suffer. Your family needs you and your soldier will need you to be healthy and ready for him when he comes home. Plus hearing from you that you are taking care of yourself and doing well is very important to his morale.
• You are a mother and guilt is your second nature. Stop it. Stop it now! It is time to sort out the real responsibilities from the imaginary guilt we often carry around. You don’t need burdens that serve no purpose. So you didn’t tuck him in to bed one night when he was 5; let it go!
• Do not allow your imagination to take over when you have times of not hearing from your soldier. When I don’t hear from Mike for a period of time I always remind myself that no news truly is good news. He will contact you as soon as he can. There are many things that may be keeping him from contacting you.
• Journal or blog if you like to write. If you are not a writer then find another way to keep notes about what you are going through during tough times. Also make a note of what you found to be the most or the least helpful.
• When you hug your soldier good-bye, be sure you hold him tight. Then whisper in his ear the following “I will pray for you with every breath. I will think of you with every thought. When you come home safe to me we will then celebrate like there is no tomorrow!”

Care for yourself so you can care for them when they need you. Refuel your tank, rest when you can, do what you can and do what you should do. You know what’s beneficial and you know what’s not. Make mama proud!

Tags: Army Mom Posts, Army Wife Posts, deployment, family life, mental health, military //