February 17, 2009
Posted by Hank
Hank and Bar Girls
I wrote most of the following while drinking Sniper’s Brew German Chocolate Cake.
I was a Company Commander and then Battalion XO for the same Battalion. The back-story is I was enlisted for 9 years before I became an officer, so I often used some of my creative past to come up with unique solutions. Anyway, we had weekly meetings where our Commanding Officer would list out what he wanted done. As the Battalion XO, I was generally responsible for making sure we stayed on course with the CO’s intent. The CO wanted to plan a “Battalion Family Day” but unlike typical events he wanted to ensure that all the Marines of the Battalion, especially the single ones, enjoyed the event. This story doesn’t apply to the ladies of our Battalion so for clarification yes we had women in our Battalion but this story is specifically about the men.
We were in Okinawa, Japan. At the time, our Chaplain wasn’t nearly as engaged with the Marines of the Battalion as the CO or I would like and spent way too much time sitting at his desk and in my humble opinion neglecting his flock and his responsibilities. To make matters worse, I heard from our Battalion Surgeon that more than a few of our married Marines (most had families on the island) were spending time where it was ill advised for them, much less the single guys. Creative genius or not, I cooked up a scheme and prayed that I wouldn’t be sent straight to hell for my evil ways.
I told the CO that the Chaplain was taking the initiative for an outreach with the local population and would incorporate his efforts with our Battalion Family Day. The CO was ecstatic because he’d never seen the Chaplain get “so involved” and sometimes our relations with the local community were a bit strained. I told the CO we needed some funds for the event and he approved.
I then went to the Chaplain (who knew he wasn’t in very good standing with the CO) and told him I wanted him to take credit for an outreach program to coincide with the Battalion Family Day. I told him I’d do the work and keep him posted but he had to promise me he wouldn’t let the CO know I was his ‘secret helper’. I told him I’d recruit some local support and this would fill one of his requirements for ‘local outreach’. My ‘new recruits’ would be more than willing to hear our Chaplain (of Southern Baptist persuasion) share his message. The Chaplain shook my hand, thanked me for looking out for him, and was as happy as a lark to let me do all the work. With a smile our chubby cherub, who couldn’t keep up on the shortest of our Battalion Humps, went back to his desk finishing his latest edition of Golfer’s Digest.
I went to a local Okinawan tailor, a man who’d made several suits for me and had since become a friend. I had him make Battalion cheerleader outfits, little pleated skirts which would be accompanied by t-shirts which had our Battalion logo, for seven “cheerleaders”. It cost me a couple of cases of Budweiser. He found me pompoms also (the most expensive part of my prank) and even went as far as getting matching pony tail holders and scrunchies. I wrote a few simple cheers for our soon to be christened (please don’t miss the irony) motivators.
I then recruited some girls from one of the ‘establishments’ that our Marines were rumored to regularly visit no more than a half mile outside the base gates. Actually, I first spoke with the mama-san (surprisingly cooperative) and explained to her the situation. This didn’t cost me a penny because I told her truthfully this was a charitable outreach to some of her best customers for a very special event. Better yet, it gave the girls something to do during the day. She helped me pick out some girls that fit the uniforms and spoke the best English. I gave the mama-san the cheers I had scripted and asked her and the girls to swear to an oath of secrecy. I was even invited back a few days later for an afternoon practice session where they had taken the initiative to do a little dance routine to music… this was going to be good and my fears of eternal damnation were being justified. Had I gone too far?
For the next several weeks leading up to the event I fed the Chaplain updates to give to the CO, never fully disclosing what I had cooked up. The Chaplain, true to his nature, was more than willing to report to the CO, “Sir, you’re really going to be impressed. We’re reaching out to the community and they’ll even be bringing local food and contributing to the event with a special performance.”
For the day of the event I had the Chaplain’s Assistant check out a van from our Motor Pool and go pick up our ‘locals’ for our Battalion Family Day. And along with the 7 cheerleaders, our fifteen passenger van was loaded with a total of around 20 girls to include the mama-san. A good plan doesn’t survive first contact but in rare occasions it becomes better. By the time they arrived at the field where we had set up our grills, food lines, tents, and bouncies for kids, we had been in full swing for about an hour.
The girls filed out of the van an approached the little area where earlier our CO had addressed the Battalion and their families. Some of our participants even prepared a few trays of lumpia and headed to the chow tent. The Chaplain was busy stuffing his face and didn’t even see the arrival. I made sure the mama-san knew that the Chaplain was the man to thank for the event and not to pay me much attention. Our now official ‘cheerleaders’ set up. Almost as quickly as they arrived they began to put on their show. To even my surprise they were accompanied by the rest of the girls who performed in their own variety of outfits and knew the routine and cheers as rehearsed. The single Marines reacted as if we had flown in the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
To explain the aftermath is a bit complicated. Suffice it to say, more than a few married Marines had unique confrontations with their spouses as they were recognized by these girls and even the mama-san, smiling and greeting her top customers as the invited celebrity. To put it mildly, the Chaplain never had so much ‘involvement’ with the families and he never fully recovered from the event. I’m sure he’ll regret to his grave his tour with a particular one of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children. Our now infamous Chaplain left our Battalion soon after. He was replaced by a dynamic and combat tested Chaplain we sorely needed and benefited from. The CO never asked me for an explanation though he had a unique smile when he mentioned a few weeks later that some of our “problem children” were spending more time with their families. Maybe I won’t go to hell after all.
Disclaimer: {I’ve taken a few liberties to protect the innocent, if there is a statue of limitations and any criminalities then all stories are a work of fiction. The characters do not exist except in the mind of the author and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Truth is stranger than fiction and my lawyer advised me to include the above. For those that were there…, Semper Fi}
Used by permission KDH Copyright © 2009 Sniper’s Brew All Rights Reserved.
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44 Comments
February 17, 2009
Oooooh. That was just Machiavellian!! You were a dangerous Xo …
February 17, 2009
Enjoyable little fable…and I can TOTALLY see Hank doing this!
February 17, 2009
A good CO is only as good as his XO, and it looks like the XO outshone the CO here by several orders of magnitude…
But what do *I* know, I’m only a Network Engineer…
Semper Fi, Bro!
Igor
February 17, 2009
XO, isn’t that hugs and kisses? :lol
February 17, 2009
I am so glad I did not have my coffee with me. That is great. To bad not enough people think this way anymore.
February 17, 2009
Reasa, I know you are a Chai drinker, but are you a coffee drinker too? What kind do you like?
February 17, 2009
I wanted to offer this too… Toy Soldier (my son) was telling me about a 1st Sgt. who absolutely hates adultery in the ranks… moree than anything and his men know it. He’s a great guy. He did catch one soldier carrying on with another man’s wife online while they were in the sandbox. The PFCs laptop was picked up and “oops” chucked under a Stryker that was driving by. Butterfingers! That’s what you get for using your computer to cheat!
February 17, 2009
Much love and respect to you my brother in arms, brother in life, brother in Christ and Best Friend!
Semper Fi
February 17, 2009
That’s me. HANK – Hugs an Kisses
Semper Fi, Hank
And for the record our CO was outstanding and deserves all the credit for allowing me to be a mischievous imp
February 17, 2009
Did someone say coffee? Regular brew, deep, dark, rich regular coffee? None of that flavored stuff? Sign me up….
Hank,
I do believe that the little imp you had sitting on your shoulder while you were planning the family event day had a ball!
Claire,
Good find!
February 17, 2009
Stay tuned, KYW! He’s got more where that came from.
You all are in for a treat!
February 17, 2009
Am agreeing with KYW on this one. On all points. GREAT story, Hank. What a *vivid* imagination you have….rofl
February 17, 2009
Oh I loved it! I do think I’m going to need to explore this “real live coffee” situation as well.
XO…does mean hugs and kisses but don’t tell my husband I said that. *my own impish grin*
I do wish I could tell the stories I know, maybe one day I’ll get to. Thank you for the smiles Hank and Claire…you certainly meant what you said, I LIKES him!
February 17, 2009
I knew you would! If and when you get ready to tell those stories, just tell me where to go to read them. Or, if you want to ever write here, you know there’s a key to the front door with your name written on it!
BTW: How’s Lt. Dan? We both think of him and you often.
February 17, 2009
Claire, I drink both. LOL Chai to relax and calm down, and coffee, well to vrooooooom on up a notch or two. I drink any coffee that does not look, smell or taste like sludge. Of course i hardly ever get close enough to taste sludge like coffee. i just bought a new coffee pot that grinds the beans right before it is brewed. I am in heaven and coffee is my choice of drink now almost all day.
February 17, 2009
Good stuff! Just the story to make my day!
February 17, 2009
Hank,
You are one smooth dude. Only you could plan and execute this, let alone use Uncle Sam’s money to pull it off. I’m sure the chaplain will never forget you or your “cheer-leaders!”
I must also say “good on ya” for forcing those married marines to face the fiddle on their decisions and actions.
God Bless and Semper Fi
February 18, 2009
Great story, Hank! You should create a special brew called “Family Day Blend” – Eye popping, stimulating and heart warming and soul stirring to the core!
God Bless you, brother
Brian
February 18, 2009
BTW folks, do not be fooled. Mr. Hugs-an-Kises (Hank) is also Mr. Hunt-an-Kill (HANK) if you mess with his family or his soldiers. Hooah!
February 18, 2009
yep, I don’t know an honorable man who doesn’t turn into hunt-n-kill when protecting his family… Mr. Damon (Mr. mess with my family and I will personally introduce you to your Maker!)
February 18, 2009
Hey! You got the featured content picture to show up on the front page! Woot!
Now … everybody go grab a cup of Sniper’s Brew and enjoy the show.
February 18, 2009
Yeah. I’m just working my magic!
February 18, 2009
Loved this story! There is a shortage of stories like these. It is so in depth yet hilarious! What great humor.It put a big smile on my face. Bring on some more laughs!!!
February 18, 2009
Oh my gosh this is hilarious!! I feel like I was your little side kick throughout this entire journey.
You really have a way of making the reader feel like you are telling the story face to face.
I’m glad those guys wifes caught them up being dirty dogs!!! Serves em right!! I wish I could’ve witnessed these events take place first hand. Thanks for the laughs. Hope there is more strory telling where that
came from.
February 19, 2009
This is a great story Hank. I sure do miss those days.
Maybe it is the people that are missed.
February 19, 2009
Wow, that was a funny prank! Very creative.
February 19, 2009
Good to see you never lost your sense of humor and an excellent dose of silent justice to the offenders and the godly golf pro.
D3
February 19, 2009
You’re such a smarty-pants… you punk’d ‘em good!
February 20, 2009
Devil Dog Brew and Pieroguys Pierogies! That is the secret to how Marines always get the job done! Kill!
February 20, 2009
Funny story Hank. Always the righteous man! Keep it up brother!
February 21, 2009
Ha ha ha ! Hank, why do are the words “me luv you long time” ringing in my head after reading this devioussss little tale? LOL !
February 21, 2009
Hey Richie,
Funny story. Great to have you as a nephew. Keep writing!
Love you!
February 21, 2009
Being called ‘Richie’ by an Uncle & Aunt is like my mom still calling me her “Baby Marine” after 21 years in the Corps, I’m sure there’s another story in there. I have a great family.
Here’s a hug for Uncle Nelson and Aunt Mary Ann.
Semper Fi, Hank
aka Henry Richmond Salmans, III aka ‘Richie’
February 22, 2009
Story: Awesome
Using ‘fictional characters’(if it was necessary): Great idea
Being you: Priceless!
Love you!
MWAH, mmmmmmph (XO) -get it? the x’s and the o’s? ha ha
February 23, 2009
Hank, are all these friends and family members real or is this just YOU with multiple google accounts commenting on yourself?? Shaping the battle field? Hummm?
February 23, 2009
Are you saying I am a figment of your imagination, Damon?
February 23, 2009
Figment is not the word I would use, dear.
February 24, 2009
Hank,
What a prankster you are. That was a great story. I laughed while drinking my Snipers Brew. Thanks for the laugh and can’t wait for more stories. Keep them coming.
February 24, 2009
Damon, I might have twisted a few arms to check out my latest endeavor, I think some of the fans are just worried that they’re going to turn up in one of my tales and are attempting to keep themselves in my good graces. As for my relatives, well I’m just a lovable guy.
Brent, Thanks for the very subtle plug. I’m still writing “Deer Heads and My Baby Sister”
February 24, 2009
Sounds like Brent is going to make a character appearance in the near future. Heh.
February 27, 2009
For all of you who do not personally know Hank, stand-by. A career in the Corps …. many tours overseas
March 6, 2009
wow, did the chaplain ever recover? Nice work!
April 4, 2009
Hank ~
It’s totally interesting that I catch up with my email and read this story…. just this week I had an informal session with the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marine students at Ft Gordon this week at the SATCOM training center.
And what could I have possibly given to these new young enlisted servicemen, you ask? “There’s absolutely NOTHING more dangerous than a Marine and his ingenuity. Because Marines can overcome anything with it.” OOH RAH!
Punch that ticket for a little more inter-service rivalry down there!
All the best brother! Semper Fi
April 30, 2009
Only from the mind of a true MUSTANG!!!! Carry on!!!
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